Motivation

It's hard to stay upbeat these days. Tried making the family hotel reservations for Denmark today and not only did it take forever but now I'm bummed out all over again b/c I probably won't get to go. And honestly, I appreciate positivity and people trying to cheer me up but really...telling me it will all be fine isn't fair or accurate b/c its likely it WON'T be fine and I won't get to go. And yea I'm a brat for boo-hooing over missing a trip to Denmark but its all I wanted to do and my damn foot is gonna stop me from going and I resent that. So please, save the optimism for someone else b/c all it does is piss me off.

I want to be in Paucartambo so badly I could cry. I was supposed to leave on Friday for Peru and get to Cuzco Saturday, leaving that night for the highlands and a five day stay in Paucartambo for the festival I attended last year with all my friends. I had to cancel the trip when I found out about the surgery. All my friends are there again and I know that right now they are dancing, laughing, singing, playing and watching the AMAZING festival unfold. Tomorrow afternoon the Virgin will process from the church and parade through the town carried by hundreds of townspeople. She'll end the battle that has raged for days and cross back over the river through the square after defeating the Sacras (devils) and reenter the church carried backwards by all the single women of the town. Horns will blow and drums will be beaten and it will feel to everyone there as though their hearts will burst out of their chest in happiness as the hair on their arms stands on end at the sight of La Virgen del Carmen as they pray for blessings from her. It is the most beautiful, powerful event I have ever witnessed and I've sent my own prayers along to Carmen through my friends that I'll be there again someday. Until then I can only sit and reminisce, wishing desperately to be there myself. (See my July 2006 post on Paucartambo for pics and more details)

I know it seems silly to be obsessed with not being in the US and traveling far away and I'm sure that this is exacerbated by being laid up as I am right now but the reality is...I was SO happy, happier than I've ever been in my life when I was living in Peru and I guess I just want that again. Maybe its unconventional to move far away to find happiness but if thats where it is for me, shouldn't I go after it again?

I know I just need to keep my eye on getting through school and graduating and finding the job that will take me away to new places, new experiences, a new life far away from here. Until then, I'll satisfy myself with traveling when I can and hopefully that will sustain me until I can spread my wings and fly away.